Brianna's Speech

Today is Brianna's birthday. I am officially the mother of a teenager. But considering she doesn't generally behave like a teen I'm not worried about the parenting stuff that comes along with teenagers... yet. I have enough to deal with with this kid. But it's not all bad. In fact, it's mostly great. Especially with moments like we had tonight.

Brianna goes to a school for special needs kids. Tonight was the awards banquet for the athletes. We enjoyed a nice dinner put on by the culinary arts students and then on to the awards. Each coach was called up to introduce themselves, their team and pass out awards.

Coach after coach went up. Student after student walked on stage, took their award and went back to their seat. But then Bri's coach, Coach D, was called up to the podium. On her way down the aisle Brianna stopped her. I don't know exactly what she was saying to her coach but I had to pull her gently away and tell her to wait until after the ceremony. Brianna said she wanted to thank her. I said that's nice but to wait.

When Coach D went to the stage she said a few words about the amazing cheerleaders and thanked the parents for their support. Then she called the first girl who got her award and returned to her seat. Next was Brianna. Brianna walked on stage, took her award from the athletic director and began to have a discussion. Coach D went on with calling the next girl and Brianna walked behind the podium AND STOOD THERE!

Now every other kid just went up, took their kudos, shook a hand and sat back down. But there Brianna stood. My mind was racing. Did she think she was supposed to stay on stage? Was she just confused? Hubby and I could only speculate as to what she was standing there for. We were both nervous and honestly a little scared. We tried to signal to her to come sit back down but she was smack dab in the middle of the stage and we were in the far back corner. So I did what any good mother would do... I whipped out my camera and ran video.

When Coach D was done the athletic director whispered to her and she announced that Brianna would like to say a few words. I honestly thought she was going to announce to the room it was her birthday or something. I didn't know what was going to happen! Here is the video. Sorry for the poor quality. I hadn't anticipated a speech.

Brianna gave an acceptance speech. It wasn't rehearsed. It wasn't even planned. It was however heartfelt. She thanked her friends, her parents and thankfully didn't thank the academy. Her teachers and the school staff along with all the parents and students listened and smiled as she went on. It was short and sweet and she walked off the stage to thunderous applause.

Now this school is used to kids not always doing what is expected. No one stopped her and everyone supported her. And I was so proud. Ok, it was totally scary. I was so surprised I literally laughed until I cried and the more I cried the more I laughed. I looked around and her teachers were laughing too.

Brianna did ask why we were laughing and I told her it was such a pleasant surprise we couldn't hold it in.



I just can't convey in here our total shock and how hysterically funny it was to watch my kid be the only kid to decide to give a speech. But it made everyone feel good and I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. And I have a feeling people who were there will smile when they think about it.

So for Brianna's 13th birthday she gave a lot of people the gift of a great memory.

Brianna hugging her trophy! 

My separation anxiety

I think I am suffering from some sort of separation anxiety or something like that.

It started last year when my best friend went back to work because she was going through a divorce. Then the same thing happened to another friend and she moved 45 minutes away and started working and dating. Then another friend moved far as hell away. Then when school started some friends put their kids in school or preschool and found "kid free" ways to busy themselves. Now several of my friends including one of my best friends is going back to school and wanting to start a career of some kind. Then there is the handful of other friends that instead of sending kids off to school they are having another baby. A 4 year difference in age makes play dates a bit hard and when you have a baby you generally want to hang around others with babies.

Let me be selfish here. I feel abandoned and angry. I don't "work" outside the home. I just don't want to at this point in my life. I have 3 kids and am married so partying on the weekends isn't always an option. I don't want to go back to school, I didn't really like it the first time and I don't know what I want to be other then my current idea of becoming a yoga instructor. During the week I have a toddler in tow almost all the time so I can't always go for a mani/pedi or other non kid friendly activity. I do understand a parent who doesn't have to pick up their kids until school let's out not wanting to hang out with me at Chuck E Cheese and listen to screaming kids when they don't have too. And I can't take my kids to the Baby Story Time at the library. She's almost reading!

I'm feeling lonely and like everyone is leaving. And as people life circumstances change (divorce, work, school, etc) people tend to find others they have more in common with and can see more easily. Maybe I'm needy. Ok... no maybes about it. I'm needy.

I hate change. I wish things would stay the same. Sure most of the changes are friends trying to improve their situations but... DAMN IT!!! I miss people.

I miss when I had a friend that lived close by with a kid almost the same age. We spent almost every day together and would talk on the phone when we weren't around one another. I feel like every time anything changes it gets harder to keep in touch. I'll call but when I don't get a call back I will often just let it go until they call me. Next thing you know a month has passed and I haven't spoken to the person. And it's not their fault. They have their own lives to deal with and I can't always talk when they call and if I forget to call back it's another month before we connect.

Not to mention everyone wanting to go to school and get jobs... it makes me feel ambitionless. I like not working! I'm content doing a few freelance type jobs here and there. I love being home with the kids. Sure, it's a lot of work (some days more then others) but I love it. Its been a long time since I had a job that I love. It's so nice to wake up not wanting your boss to give you a reason to quit (and with that no longer being an option anyway this works great). But at the same time I feel guilty I have no desire to further my education or work.

Every time a friend says they are fighting with their husband, contemplating going to work or has a kid starting school I get a little upset. I want to be happy when someone announces they are moving to an amazing house or starting school but I'm not really. I'm happy they are happy but I'm sad for myself. (Again, I'm being selfish and I don't care!)

Maybe if I do what our kids do, kick and scream and latch on to them so they can't leave then they will continue to give me attention and won't go. Worth a try right?

I win.

Today was... interesting if not completely infuriating.

Here's a little back story:

Generally I don't get up with the kids in the morning unless there is something going on (appointments or events and activities, etc.). Don't think I "sleep in" because I don't. I am up about an hour after they are. In fact the sound of them slamming the door is my alarm to get out of bed.

I'm not lazy... I'm just not a morning person and am super cranky in the early hours of day so I tend to be a grouch and nitpick at things or nag. So when I get up and see things James forgot to do or things out and messed up after I picked up before bed or the kids socks not being identically white or Brianna's hair a bit frizzy after she already brushed it I tend nag and next thing you know the kids are rushing to get to school on time and James is late for work.  It's just honestly easier on everyone (especially with me staying up till midnight working on the website all the time) for them to get dressed and out the door and then for me to get up. That measly hour of extra bed time (and I say bed time because often once they are up I'm done sleeping) saves everyone from the "Morning Mommy Monster".

So my kids get up at 6am and my hubby has them get ready and they are gone by 7am at the latest. They dress themselves, after all they are 10 and 12. They also are supposed to get their own breakfast. I keep a big variety available for them. When there's time they can choose from cereal, oatmeal, grits, breakfast sandwiches, waffles, pancakes, toaster strudels, and microwave and toaster heatable things to cook up for breakfast. If they are in a rush there is a variety of cereal bars, fruits, pop tarts and things like that.  They even have special cups so if they have to take their milk or juice in the car with them.  

I'm up by 7, barely an hour after they get up. And since Devan sleeps till 8 it gives me a chance to wake up without being a pain in anyones ass. I get up grumpy, clean up the mess they made while getting ready and then do a few sun salutations (yoga) and am in a good mood.  It may not be the best system but it works perfectly for us.

So back to the point,

I dropped my toddler and sick son off at my grandmothers since I had a field trip to chaperon for Brianna's school. Brianna forgot breakfast so when I asked her if she ate she said no. My uncle overheard and when into a huge tirade about what a shitty mom I am. I'm a bad housewife. What kind of mother sends her kids off to school without a home cooked breakfast. I snorted when my grandmother even chimed in saying "I didn't cook you kids breakfast. You had cereal." His lame response, "Yeah! But we didn't make it ourselves!" he then looked at me and said "What are you teaching your kids?!?".

Ok. Let's break this down. This is a man who was a psuedo celebrity athlete at one point and for your typical reasons lost it all. He is twice divoroced with more then a couple kids (one from each marriage plus some). He is
. in his 40s and lives with his parents where he pays no rent. He borrows their car to go out. He has his mom cook his dinner and pack his lunch. And no, I'm not honestly sure if she makes his breakfast or not. He is bitter and lonely. He is ambitionless and unhappy. No wonder he has anger issues. But when you don't try to fix your situation who can you truly blame?

So in regards to his questions, "What are you teaching your kids?!?" I literally laughed out loud and said... "Some responsibility so they don't end up like you!".

He kept harping on and normally my mouth just goes off like a firecracker when I'm angry but seriously... I won. There is nothing he can say. He is a loser. He can call my parenting into question all he wants but let's call a spade a spade. No matter what he says about me I am not him so I win, period, end of discussion.

I cook, clean, volunteer, craft, tutor, run errands, work, and so much more... just like most moms. Do I think I'm special for all I do? Ok, sometimes but generally no. I do think that because of all I do, not waking up at 6 am to make a "home cooked meal" for the kids is perfectly fine. Besides they get that on the weekends! And even if they weren't...they are learning to be self sufficient!!! So maybe I'm giving them even more of a benefit then if I was up scrabbling eggs and frying bacon.

Point is... if you are going to be a judgmental asshole and start a fight about things you don't understand... don't be a loser because you can't win. And yes, if you come at me negative and quesiton my parenting or piss me off I will put you on blast on my blog. It's how I roll. So again... I win.

Me and my good ideas.

I was stressed out today and needed to chill. The weather was nice outside so... I thought it'd be a good idea to go on a bike ride with Devan.

Somehow an adult size bike was very hard to find. After searching the garage I found my bike was lost under tons if stuff that has been stored in the garage like Halloween decorations, plates, books, toddler mattress and pretty much anything  you can imagine. (Seriously.) I had to dig it out of the garage from under piles of junk that was sort of organized for my coming yard sale. This about killed me. There was barely enough room to maneuver and move things and I got myself and my bike all banged and scratched up trying to free it from all this crap.

Once I got the damn thing out I discovered the tires were flat. Figures. I probably should have let the idea go but after the battle to get the bike out I felt invested in the project so giving up wasn't going to happen. The pump was easy to spot... not so easy so reach. I used the mattress and some other boxes to make a platform to climb and cross so I could reach the pump. I heard something crack in the process. Still not sure what it was and I have no desire to find out.

After a final step and my leg punching through a plastic bin shattering the plastic and again scratching myself up I had the pump in hand! The return trip from my horribly constructed bridge apparatus was just as bad and a pile of books cascaded across the floor. I left them there.

So once I had the pump I started to pump the tires. I haven't don this since I was a kid. I put the hose thingy on the tire nozzle thingy and pushed the pump as hard and fast as I could and the freaking hose popped off and smacked my shin just hard enough to sting. I had to call Brianna in to hold the plug on so I could pump.

I pumped them both up as much as I could and hopped on the bike. I guess I hadn't done a very good job because they were only slightly less flat then before. So we had to do it again.

I finally got them pumped and we hit the road like an hour after I decided to go for a ride. Half way through, literally just far enough from the house to make getting back a real pain in the ass...  Dev takes a digger and in a rush to get to her I jump off my bike. It crashes to the floor.

She's scratched up but ok. My bike wasn't. The tire popped out of the rim and is flat again. So at this point I have a crying toddler and her bike, my bike with a flat tire and zero patience left. Let's just say it was a very long trip home. We got back to the house but after the attempt to chill I was more worked up then ever!  Me and my good ideas.

New Car!!!

I got a new car over the weekend.
Compared to my old 2002 SUV this thing feels like a space ship. It's all shiny and high tech. I have to quote one of my favorite mermaids:
"I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more..."

Ok, so I don't really want more. I'm actually a bit overwhelmed by it as is.

I push a button and it starts up and the air kicks on while I'm still in the house. If I get in the car while already on the phone it automatically clicks over to bluetooth. It's got all sorts of buttons and I only know what about half of them do. But it is a HUGE step above my old car. It's brand new with all the bells and whistles you could want... and of course it comes with a car payment.

For all of you who gasp and think "Why did she finance it?" I'll tell you. Contrary to what you may think based on my wildly popular blog, my large social networking site and my designer impostor cologne and Coach Outlet store bags... I had to if I wanted a new car.

But here is the other side of the coin.... I didn't really want a new car. I had just paid my old car off last July. I initially wanted to take the car payment and shove it into savings where it could attempt to fatten itself up with the meager interest that accrues on the account. But that damn car payment disappeared!!! I can't tell you where it went. Since July of last year I expected to stuff almost $400 into the account each month. Now I haven't started making an extra $400 in purchases... in fact I have been spending less so I can't even guess where the money is going. One second it was here and the next it's gone.

But I digress. So I wanted to drive my older but still in decent condition 2002 until it literally died on me and save my money and for the next car buy a small, reliable, economical vehicle outright. Then with continuing to save I will "in theory" never have to finance another car again. But Hubby really wanted a new car so when he wanted to go "look" I knew we'd be coming home with a new vehicle. And we did. At least it's technically designated as my car.

Don't get me wrong... it's more then nice. It's a great SUV but now I am back with a car payment and I hate that. I was so excited to be rid of it. It goes to show that even the best laid planes can fail. So while I morn the loss of my very first lien free car title and deal with another car payment at least I get to travel in a damn nice ride... even if it will take until this cars paid off to figure out all the gadgets.

(Oh and as a pretty neat side note... when I bought my car I was entered into a drawing for a Kindle Fire and I WON!!! I have been wanting to get one for my toddler so she'd leave mine alone so I'm super excited. I would have preferred buying a Kindle and winning a car... but it's still pretty cool!)

My baby almost died.

I posted this on my social site last month (here). I wrote it Mach 11th. I didn't post it here because I didn't want to make a big deal at the time and honestly I was so shook up by it that I didn't want to discuss it at all. But I ended up posting on the other site mostly as a warning to other parents. I wanted to post it here at some point but forgot so I'm doing it now. So here is the post I made.

Last Thursday was like any other day. We woke up, had breakfast, did a few workbook pages in Devans book. Then my mom stopped by to visit. She decided to watch Devan for me while I jumped in the shower. We let Devan get in the jacuzzi which is honestly about as warm as her bath (since we use it mostly for the kids). By the time I got out of the shower she was getting out. She was laughing and playing with my mom. I got dressed then we went and dressed Devan.
After she was dressed i told her I'd make lunch and Devan went skipping out of her room. About 5 seconds later she yelled and said she hurt herself. I came out and saw she had fell and scratched her knee. Nothing major but there was a little blood. So i picked her up, she wasn't even crying... just complaining and asking for the "Hello Kitty" band-aids. So I set her on the counter and had my mom hold her while I got the peroxide, neosporine and band-aids. I began cleaning her scratch and she fell over on the counter.
I thought she was throwing a fit so I said something about being nice or not pitching fits, but when we sat her up she was stuttering and making a weird noise. I then thought she was hyperventilating which has happened a few times in the past but it was when she started convulsing that I knew it was serious. I screamed for my mom to call 911. While my mom was on the phone Dev shook violently and I was scared. My mom shoved the phone at me and said they need your address. I began to give it to the operator and then I saw Devan losing color.
Her lips where blue. I yelled at the operator (or my mom, or honestly maybe to myself) "She's not breathing!!!" and I dropped the phone and snatched her away from my mom. I laid her on her back on the counter and checked for breathing and a pulse. There was nothing that I could find. I began CPR. Please do not think I was calm and clear headed. I was bordering on hysterical but thankfully put Devans needs ahead of my panic.
Her body was so still and her little lips were so blue and lifeless I thought "Dear God, she's already gone". As I breathed into her tiny little mouth once, and then again I begged God to help me. I think maybe he did because she started breathing again but she didn't want to stay awake. I kept talking to her, trying to get her conscious and aware. I kept praying "God, give her back, don't you take her away from me!"
I laid her on the ground by the window so the light would hopefully help her stay awake.
Most everything else was a blur. She slowly came too as the paramedics surrounded her. She remained out of it the whole ride to the hospital. The paramedic said me doing CPR may have saved her life. (I think that and my hysterical prayers.)
A CAT Scan came back normal. We don't know why she had a seizure. We don't know if much. She has to go in for more testing but I do know my baby is alive and that is all that matters.
I thought I lost her. I have never been more scared in my life. I swear I saw her life slipping away from me as I held her and thought I can't live without this girl. She was so small in my hands. She was so helpless and I felt even more so. And by the grace of God she came back to me. I am terrified now. Since we don't know what triggered or caused the episode we don't know what can be done to prevent another. The Dr said none of the things that occurred that day should have caused it. It's crazy that a healthy child on a perfectly normal happy day could almost die and for no reason.
Since Thursday she is now sleeping in my bed and can't go more then 5 feet away without me panicking. I am terrified that if I close my eyes for a second it will happen again and I won't be able to save her. I am scared that even if I am there and it happens again I won't be able to save her. I keep seeing her face blue and vacant and her sweet face expressionless and her body limp and lifeless. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop talking about it. It's on my mind and weighing heavily on my heart.
I know I will get better as time passes. I hope that the tests we have coming up will come back normal. The DR said some kids have a seizure for no discernable reason and never have another. I pray that this is the case with Devan.
But I also pray that none of you ever have to deal with anything so scary... but please learn CPR and the Heimlich maneuver just in case.
I have had to do the Heimlich on 2 of my 3 kids and have had to do CPR once. I hope I won't have to use them ever again but if I do I feel as prepared as I guess you can for that situation.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEARN EMERGENCY LIFE SAVING TECHNIQUES. I plan to set up a CPR & Heimlich class for TBMG. I have done it on other sites I was a part of but it has never been more near or dear to my heart as now.

My Top 10 Issues with Facebook

I don't get Facebook. I mean I get it. It's a social networking site, yadda, yadda, yadda. I just don't get how wrapped up in it people get. And it usually annoys me.

Here are my top 10 issues with facebook.

1. Virtual Friends. People ask to be friends with people they would never approach in any other venue. In fact some of the most shy and antisocial people I know have over 400 friends. But in real life they don't even need 2 hands to count their real friends. You know nothing about some of these people. They could be criminals, freaks or just nasty people who will take what you post and cause problems... and yet we keep adding to our friends list as though having hundreds of anonymous friends you couldn't pick out of a line up is something to strive for. Why not go out and make some real friends or use facebook to plan outings with the friends you have?

2.Virtual Lives. They are not a farmer. They aren't a chef. They don't own a salon or pet store. They aren't even a knight in Camelot. Would they really want to be? They have a life. Is it that bad that they have to spend half of it online creating a new one and asking people to be their neighbor so they can send them stuff?

3. TMI. I'm not just talking about the people who share way too much about their kids latest bowel movement though they are definitely included in this. I'm also talking about the people that check in everywhere from their work, to their home and even in the bathroom. You share all your personal info. You tell people where you are at any given day at any given time. You post everything. FYI... I would never brag about my brand new TV, PC, etc and then post that I am leaving town. Not everyone who sees your posts are  your friends and of those that are, not all can be trusted. (See #1) Somethings shouldn't be publicly shared.

4. Bitchers. They bitch about the people at the grocery store, they bitch about their family, they bitch about people that bitch. Um... hello?!?!? You can also include the "drama haters" in this category too. These people are almost as bad as the

5. Life is Rosyers. Their house is being remodeled. Their husbands a great cook. Their kid has straight As. Their friends are great. Their feet don't stink. Isn't their life so rosy. No ones life's that perfect. Sure these status updates aren't bad in doses mixed with a few "my life sucks today posts" but when all you see is how great everything is... well let's say no one is fooled. Their house is being worked on because it's falling apart. Their husband cooks because he feels guilty he's cheating on them. It's easy to get straight As when their kid is up all night on cocaine studying. Their friends talk about them behind their back and their feet do stink. Are they trying to fool us or just themselves?

6. House Cleaners. Look, they added 354 friends. No one made them do it and there is a good chance that they requested most of them. Are they really so popular that they have to "clean their friends list"? And if they do clean house (which they probably should do see #1) don't make the main qualification for staying a friend be "liking" the house cleaning post.  Seriously... if having them like a post is the determining factor of if they should be on your friends list... they probably shouldn't be on your friends list. They just want feel like people care... admit it.

7. Attention Seekers. Maybe they weren't hugged much as a child. Maybe they are lonely in general. But every post they make is created with the sole purpose of getting people to pay attention to them. These people can be # 3, 4, 5, 6 or any combination. Sure the whole point of social networking is to connect and share but these people are self centered. They actually get upset if they get less then 10 likes and 10 comments on a status. They only really comment on other peoples posts if they can talk about themselves and hijack the post. And they are so self absorbed that they apologize when they don't post for a while... like everyone was waiting with bated breath for their return.

8. Self Portraits. Does anyone honestly think they look sexy with their boobs out, lips puckered facing a mirror with their camera showing?!?!? I guess they do because their albums are filled with shots they have taken of themselves in every outfit they own (and some with lots of skin), or looking tough flexing, in every angle you can manage in a mirror and by the way... can they at least get their dirty clothes off the floor if they are going to publicly post the photo? You should be cleaning your room instead of taking shots or yourself. Or at least have a friend do it so they can tell you how stupid you look.

9. Unfriending someone is the worst thing you can do to a person. Talk about me, my momma, my kids... BUT DON'T UNFRIEND OR BLOCK ME!!!! Long ago before facebook you could dislike someone. Tell them you aren't their friend. Talk bad about them and spread rumors with the final blow being a full confrontation. Now it's all backwards thanks to facebook. Someone makes a post. You take it personal. You make a post.  You virtually confront each other (usually with indirect, vague, passive aggressive statements). You talk trash to people, you spread rumors and then when you are really angry and want to really hurt them... YOU UNFRIENDunfriended because let's be honest...  you probably barely know them outside of the internet (see #1). It's the lowest of low attacks because it's a first and last strike. It leaves the other person without a course for retaliation. It's not that they unfriended you... it's that they did it first. (Be honest, you know it's true.) Rather then looking at it like a favor you go back to passive aggressive statements but in 3 months to a year when you are unblocked and you get a friend request... you accept. Rinse and Repeat.

10. Tagging. I do not want to be tagged. Hell! I didn't even want photographed! I didn't realize I was standing in the background during a photo at your kids birthday party and the only thing you can see of me was is flat butt or giant belly. Do you really need to tag me? Especially when  you can't even see my face? Seriously. It's just mean.

The absolute worst part of all this... I HAVE DONE EACH ONE AT LEAST ONCE. (And some I have done a lot more!)  And don't even get me started on poking! When did it become ok to poke people?!?!? Keep your virtual hands to yourself!!!