Wednesday, December 15, 2010

It's just how I deal...

I deal with most things that bother or upset me with sarcasm and humor. I make jokes that tend to be out of place and inappropriate but it's just how I deal and I try not to do it at the expense of someones feelings.

Right now I am very upset. If you don't follow the blog then you may not know that my 2 year old suffers from MRSA. She has boils right now.

We get an outbreak and she get boils in her nether regions mostly but they have been getting bolder and moving north with some being near the belly button, stomach and chest. But generally they generally hang out in the diaper area on her butt cheek and near her va-jay-jay.

She's had surgeries and it's just something she will have to deal with. Yes you can die from MRSA. It's scary. It worries me. We have had a few close calls already but we deal with it.

So in addition to taking care of her during her outbreaks I also make snarky comments to her. (Hey, she's 2 she doesn't have a clue what I'm saying.)

I have opened her diaper and cried "Mickey Rourke? Oh, no that's just D's booty!" Yes, it's that scared and marked up.

I told James maybe it's a misdiagnosis. Maybe it's not MRSA but she is such a rotten brat all that badness is building up and oozing out from the boils.

I have told friends that the one good thing about MRSA is I am pretty sure she can't get a job in the Adult film industry because no one would pay to see a tush that messed up.

My oldest is special needs. I pick on her a little too. When she does something completely goofy and dumb we say, "It's ok. You're pretty."

When she one day tried to count and started with "A, B, C... oh wait..." we laughed and now ask her to count all the way to Z for us.

I have tons. Maybe them being exposed to my loving sarcasm will better prepare them for kids who when they say things about their differences will do it with the intent to hurt but maybe it won't.

 But when I make a joke whether it's funny or not it brings humor into the equation where often it wasn't before. And with even a bit of humor my mood is lightened and I smirk (even smile) on occasion.

So if I make jokes please try not to judge me and don't think it's because I am insensitive. It's just how I deal. It means I care.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

There was a little girl...

I can't help but worry a little bit at the prospect of D as she grows up. At 2 years old she is already possesses a stronger will and more personality the any adult I know.

Is is terrifying because I have always heard that your kids will be payback for what you did to your parents when you were a child. I thought with B being such a well behaved and easy child to take care of that way of thinking was a bunch of crap because honestly I was a terror when I was young (or so I have been told repeatedly and at great length). She totally disproved the "Child Revenge Theory".

But with D I think I am believing in it again. From her sarcastic trouble making ways to insane tantrums this kid rules my house with an iron fist. Just check her out in this video at the park. Apparently she only wanted mommy to push her in the swing.

I don't know what's worse. That we are both ignoring her tantrums or encouraging and provoking them. I will not rule out that we are a contributing part of the problem. But we are hard headed too and can't let her always get her way... this translates into torturing her on the swing by letting daddy continue to push her.

But in spite of her fits of rage and her relentlessness at getting what she wants...she is so sweet. When James pretended that she hurt his feelings (well maybe it wasn't pretend) she got over her fit and went to take care of daddy. I know she has a good heart... it's just the hard head I worry about.

She really is like that nursery rhyme:
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.
But not everyone knows that the rhyme from a poem.

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There was a little girl,
And she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.
One day she went upstairs,
When her parents, unawares,
In the kitchen were occupied with meals,
And she stood upon her head
In her little trundle-bed,
And then began hooraying with her heels.
Her mother heard the noise,
And she thought it was the boys
A-playing at a combat in the attic;
But when she climbed the stair,
And found Jemima there,
She took and she did spank her most emphatic.

Then one day that little girl
Brushed away that little curl
Away from the middle of her forehead
Now she is good
She is very, very good
And nobody thinks she is horrid!

That poem reminds me of D. When she is bad it's enough to make me pull out my hair and cry, but when she comes up and jumps on my lap and kisses me for no reason at all it's like the sun is shinning just for me. As with most things you have to take the good with the bad.

I like to think that her headstrong defiance will make her a leader and keep her from following others choices and making decisions for herself but only time will tell. But if the last 2 years are any indication she could rule the world if she chooses.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Laundry is my kryptonite.

The Hubster and I had an understanding long ago back when we were both working. I would take care of the inside of the house and he in turn would take care of the outside of the house.
It didn't take long for James to hire a yard guy. Oh, and just in case you were wondering he did not hire the yard guy to free up his time to do other chores around the house. I just want to clarify that. He just got out of doing the yard.
I didn't mind too much because back then it actually gave me an excuse to be a less than perfect housekeeper. Ok, I will be honest... I was a slob. But hey, we both worked and if he couldn't do the outside I wasn't going to stress about the inside.

Fast forward to my pregnancy with D and the beginning of my "nesting phase" and the start of all sorts of OCD tics and I become Super Cleaner! I do the floors multiple times daily, dust everything, hell I even scrub the baseboard weekly. And the germaphobic state of mind has continued and I continue to clean compulsively even now, over 2 years after D arrived. But I don't mind. I stay home and I look at it as part of my job as a housewife now.

I really do it all and I do it well. All except for the laundry.

This is a photo of just my dirty clothes and we have a family of 5 so you can imagine!!!

All things considered I'm a pretty good little housewife but laundry is my kryptonite. I try do it it but it's so hard. I know how to wash clothes of course but there are just so many steps involved (really there should be 4 wash, dry, fold, out away) but when you have ADD it adds steps and it becomes a recipe for disaster.

Here is how it generally goes.
1. Separate clothes.
2. Forget that you separated them and throw more clothes on top or have to search through the pile for one specific item mixing them all up.
3. Separate clothes again.
4. Put load in washer and wash
5. Forget load is in washer and let it sit for at least a day.
6. Remember load in washer and smell it. Yuck.
7. Start load in washer again. Add extra fabric softener and a little more bleach to get ride of sour mildew smell.
8. If I remember after the 2nd run through the wash then move load in wash into the dryer.
9. Forget to start the dryer leaving wet clothes to sit in it and once again start stinking.
10. Put clothes back into the washer again. Add even more fabric softener and a a lot more bleach to get ride of sour mildew smell.
11. Forget load is in washer.
12. . Remember load in washer and smell it again. Yuck.
13. Start load in washer again for the 4th time. Add a hell of a lot more fabric softener and a the rest of the bleach to get ride of sour mildew smell.
14. Move load to dryer making sure to start it this time.
15. Forget to put the dryer on the right setting and have to turn it on again.
16. Forget to clear lint trap. That's why it's not drying. Clear lint and dry again.
17. Forget to get clothes out of dryer so they wrinkle.
18. Start dryer again to fluff out wrinkles.
19. Forget to get clothes out of dryer once again.
20. Start dryer yet again.
21. Forget to get clothes out of dryer but give up on fluffing so put them in a basket.
22. Forget to fold basket of clothes but put it in closet to get it out of the way.
23. Dog finds basket of unfolded laundry and lays in it or I forget if basket is supposed to be clean or dirty.
24. Have to rewash load. See step one.

Yes this is honestly how some loads go. Thing is even if I do remember to wash, dry, fold and put away the other loads I do this one "bad load" as I call it, the one that has to be washed and dried repeatedly throws the rest of my progress out of whack and it makes it so I never actually put a dent into the pile.

So I had a great idea yesterday. My grandmother doesn't work and could use a little extra money plus she actually enjoys doing laundry (I am sure this is proof of a history of mental illness in the family). So I thought I would have her do some of my laundry for like $5 per load or something. I asked her and she agreed. 

But when I presented the idea to James he didn't go for it! I guess I wasn't actually asking permission. I was more or less letting him know what I planned on doing so I will do it if I want but still I was shocked at his response. I thought he may actually be proud I thought it up! He said if she really needed the money it was fine but as a way for me to not have to do the wash it wasn't. Again, I wasn't looking for approval but if he really was against it for a good reason I wouldn't do it. SInce to me he has no good reason Grandma's the new family laundress.

My actual issue is this... How is it fair that he pays for a lawn guy if I can't pay for the laundry to get clean? It's not like we have grass in the yard! But we do have a heap of dirty clothes.

So no, it's not fair and since laundry sucks the life and patience out of me I will probably drop my first load off to dear old granny next week and I can't wait for James to say something about it. Oh, by the way... The yard guy is coming on Friday.

Monday, December 6, 2010

You want me to give blog advice? Ha Ha Ha!

A friend called me today and said she wants to start blogging. She has tried a couple of times and never stuck with it. She asked for my advice.

Now I found this ironically funny for a multitude or reasons. One of which was that I myself had the same issue many months ago before I decided to buckle down and do it for my own sanity. The other reason her inquiry made me laugh was... me? Really, you are asking me for advice? Geez, you must be desperate. But sure I will try to help.

The main thing I stressed to her was to figure out why she wanted to blog that way she would have motivation to keep it up. My reason and motivation was just to have an outlet. I am a SAHM and have to deal with a lot of personal issues along with problems my kids have plus I like to share crafts and recipes and I just needed someplace to get it all out. It works great because sometimes I get advice, sometimes it's words of encouragement and yes the occasional criticism which I can just ignore!

Once you figure out your why you have the hardest part done. I also recommended making a blog about a specific thing. This is completely unlike my own blog but it seems to work better for many. It looks to me like specialized blogs pick up a following more easily. So if you want a blog about being a mom make one, or a crafter or chef make one. Hell if you want one about 10 different things and you can keep a steady stream of posts flowing make 10 different blogs. But if you are like me and can't and need one main place to go for a hodge podge of thoughts and miscellaneous fodder then do like me and make one blog.

This is especially true if you are blogging for yourself. But if you are blogging for followers and want to become popular read other popular blogs and see what they do. I am no authority on that because that's just not what I'm doing. I never started out wanting followers but with each one I get a little thrill that someone out there finds my blog (and life) interesting enough to read. That's part of the reason I host giveaways. As a thank you (and perhaps an apology) to those who go on the blog, read and comment.

I also told her to reach out to other bloggers, preferably those who are more successful then I am. I have been given great advice from 2 awesome bloggers who I am lucky enough to know, Jenn from Peace.Love.Mommy and Connie from Brain Foggles. I'm not encouraging everyone to hit them up for tips and tricks but it would be a good idea to just read their blogs. They both have such different styles and both blogs are awesome.

That was my advice to her (and to anyone with a similar question).

What made me almost die laughing though was her next question... "Cool! But how do you make money blogging?"

HA HA HA! You mean people make money from this? I thought that was an urban legend. Sure some bloggers get paid. I'm not one of them. You know back when I said figure out why you want to blog? Yeah... well I'm not sure money will be a good enough reason.

I do get samples of items to review on occasion but I don't get any cheddar from anyone. But that's not why I blog either. You can monetize your blog, put ads up all over, go to lots of "pay per post" style sites but I honestly think if you are blogging to make money (forget getting rich) you are going to be pretty disappointed for a long time. I could be wrong so in case I am search for resources on blogging for money. Just beware of scams.

You may notice my blog has no ads. My blog consists of the things I like to see on other blogs and that means content not sales pitches. And while some bloggers (even some I love) have no problem filling their page with banners for everything from to Viagra it's just not for me.

You have to decide what's right for you. But if you pour your heart and soul into your blog you will get a benefit. It may not be money (okay, it most definitely won't be money) but it may be finding a kindred spirit who's life has been touched by something you shared.

Everyone wants to be the next "Julie and Julia" style success story but if that is why you are blogging you may need to reassess. But on the same note if a movie studio comes up to you and says they want to turn your blog into a movie you'd be an idiot to outright refuse. I'm just saying...

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Motherhood is a bunch of crap!

It's true, Motherhood is a bunch a crap. It's a waste of time and I can't believe I bothered with it. No, I am not actually talking about motherhood as in the state of being a mom. I am referring to the movie Motherhood featuring Uma Thurman.

My relationship with Uma was already one of the love/hate variety. I don't know why but she has always irked me. I want to hold her down and force her to eat a hamburger. But despite the fact that I am not a fan of her acting I have liked some of her movies. Ok, 3 I think (The Truth About Cats and Dogs, Kill Bill 1 and Kill Bill 2). Frankly the one main flaw I found with those 3 movies was her. Just her being in them. Sure she may be a great person in real life but I don't know what it is about her that just rubs me the wrong way on screen.

So anyway, my predisposed dislike of Uma should have been reason enough to skip the film Motherhood  and the fact that until I accidentally found it on Netflix I had never even heard of it should have reinforced the "skip it" factors but it honestly sounded like a flick I could relate to.

Slot Summary per IMDB:  In Manhattan, a mother of two preparing for her daughter's sixth birthday party has no idea of the challenges she's about to face in order to pull off the event.

As a mom I thought I may be able to relate to a movie with a title likd this but I was wrong.

I was honestly offended by Uma's character Eliza and her portrayal of what I think was intended to be a typical stay at home mom. Here I thought this was a movie that didn't glamorize motherhood nor act like it was a burden that sucked the life and intellect out of the mother but this movie did both.

Let's break it down. The movie starts off with a shot of a to do list that has many trivial tasks written in, among the list the taks of blogging was written several times. I though once again "yeah, I can relate".

Then you see Eliza waking up and shuffling around her disgustingly cluttered and dirty looking apartment, leaving one apartment where she and the family slept and going into another apartment to prepare breakfast. You later find out it's because of rent control and blah blah blah. Really? Is this the safest living situation? I realize you do what you have to do to put a roof over your families head but if you have to live like that with 2 young children get your SAHM ass a J-O-B. Or better yet make your husband (who seems to be actively unemployed) sell some of the piles of junk he has around the place. The condition of the house warrants a call to Children's Services or in the very least the EPA. I know it's not always possibly to keep a spotless house but that place to me was unacceptable.

She does however take a photo of her daughter and titles it "Clara on the last day of being 5" and I thought this was cute actually. Eliza spends a lot of time pining over her daughters birthday and how she is growing and it's almost sentimental and deludes you into thinking she is a caring and attentive mother. This however is disproved when she puts her child in a carseat without first buckling him in then moves her car. She then lites up a cigarette with her toddler in the car! (Ever hear of second hand smoke?) Then after causing a traffic jam because she doesn't want to risk losing her parking space gets out of the car, leaving her unbuckled toddler in his seat, to argue with a man several cars back because he called her a cunt. The man points out that the toddler is making a break out the window and she runs back and finally moves her car driving around the block (I don't think she ever got around to buckling him in though). I was just amazed. Scary thing is there are people in the world like her!

Also while all this is going on she finds out that morning that there is a essay contest with a prize of winning a columnist position. As a blogger she is super excited. But is stressed about when she will find time to do the writing. So she squeezes it in while at the park with her son. God forbid she forgo the sample sale with her friend, or inviting a delivery boy upstairs to dance and hang out with, in what I can only describe as inappropriate and awkward. But she finally bangs out a draft and asks her husband to edit and critique.

At some point her car gets towed and she is forced to go on foot to run her errands and try to get things ready for her daughters birthday. You live in New York. Take the bus! But it seems like that would be too easy so she schleps around running errands on a bike. (When she does go get the car it is only a few blocks away.)

Every where she goes she encounters rudeness and it becomes obvious she has ZERO coping skills. It's frustrating watching her passive aggressive meekness. It also appears that she deliberately does things the hard way. Perhaps to play the victim or damsel in distress but her weakness is disgusting and her lack of logical thought is frustrating.

When she finally does see her husband edited her essay and questioned her writting she flips out and leaves (maybe because she was trying to hard to sound like a postpartum Carey Bradshaw?). Yes, leaves. She runs away and gets to Jersey! It's only when her toddler starts choking that she turns around.

She is a walking contradiction. She appears intelligent and makes the worst decisions. She boasts of her love for her kids but is willing to leave over a bad reveiw by her husband? She constantly morns her status as a mom and the loss of identity it entails but no one told her to have kids. If you are so unhappy and so flustered with being an at home mom go to work. Hey tell your husband to do the same while your at it. Oh, and while your daughter is having her 6th birthday in your crap hole apartment don't sit in the hallway to blog!

The reason this movie pissed me off I think is because some people will look at it and judge real motherhood by it. Sure some moms are as incompetent as the main character but I like to think they are the minority.

While some of us don't get to shower until mid-afternoon when the kids go down for a nap we don't walk around in a nightgown (as Eliza did). Moms often forfeit their wants and needs for the family but we do it often out of love and less often out of obligation. I wouldn't complain I have no time to do things if I find time to shop, blog, go to play dates, hang out with delivery people and not even attempt to clean.

It actually took me over an hour to blog this post because in that time I had to answer calls, make breakfast, take out the dogs, dress D and brush her hair and teeth and when I am done with the post I will go clean so I can make a play date by 11. Like I said this movie offended me. I wished Eliza would have kept the pacifier from the promo picture in her mouth the whole time and maybe it would have been better.

Motherhood isn't a burden. It's the hardest job you will ever love but it is not a burden and if you feel it is more of a burden then a blessing you are a shitty mom. Enough said.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Holiday Buzz is Messing Up my Brain!

Yesterday was one of those "frazzled" days. I lost my wedding ring as I was putting it on. After a search I located it inside my diet coke can. I wish I could blame the baby but this one was all me. I also developed a case of schizophrenia because not only did I think either the kids or dogs were stealing candy canes off my tree but I also sniffed all their mouths and searched the house for the missing candy canes. Apart from taking the remaining candy canes off the tree to inventory just how many have gone missing there was little I could do. James assured me they were all on the tree and all I can do is hope they aren't because I would have looked like an insane Candy Can Nazi for nothing. Any who...

Every year in early November I get this "Holiday Buzz". My head is filled with ideas about all the holiday crafts I will be doing with the kids, notions of all the intellectually enriching activities we will take part in during the breaks from school and visions of the family smiling as we hug each other with hot coco in our hands singing carols by the tree as snow gently falls outside. Ok, the fact that I am in FLORIDA and have never seen snow should be the first clue that my holiday buzz is a warped delusion and is going to fizzle out.

Well, today is December 1st. Sure we had some fun during the Thanksgiving but I didn't even get to one craft with the kids nor did I even finish any of the projects I started myself. Knowing that I barely have time to read a book unless I am hiding in the bathroom especially with D running around should have have given me a clue that yet again I am letting my ideas exceed my abilities. So with this in mind why did I decide to hand make every one's gifts this year? I have not 1, not 2, but 3 scrapbook calendars to put together! 2 blankets to make! A jewelery set to create! Several hair bows to make! A hat and matching scarf to knit! 2 sets of gloves to knit! You know what I have gotten completed so far? NOTHING! EEK!!!

I'm trying not to panic but in my over zealous delusional "Holiday Buzz" I bought the supplies for all this crap well over a month ago so now I'm committed. I can see the plans of fun outings during the holiday break slipping away. I envision me hunched over my dining room table with fabric, cutting boards and glue guns sprawled all over the counters as my kids complain of boredom but I can't stop or else someone one will be missing a Christmas gift.

Why do I do this to myself? I do it all the time. At holidays, birthdays, you name it. I get these ideas and a misconceived notion that I am supermom and can do it all with ease all the while finally getting D potty trained...and it never works out that way. Yet in spite of this I never fail to try again.

Albert Einstein "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". It's times like this that I replay that quote over and over in my head. Maybe I am insane but at least I can say it is with the best of intentions.