Friday, May 20, 2011

The end of the world is near?

Yeah, so the world is supposed to end tomorrow. I'm not too worried about it.

I do think the world is ending... I just don't think it will be tomorrow.

I have been saying for a while now that with all the natural and man made disasters the world is going to hell. Tsunamis and earth quakes around the world, a record number of tornadoes tearing up Middle America, Nuclear Reactors spreading radiation, threats from world powers and terrorists. It's not good. But even though I think it's the beginning of the end I don't think tomorrow will be the end.

And if it is I will be so pissed. I have spent all week planning B's birthday party and if the apocalypse ruins it I will flip out!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It can't always be fair in my house

In my house there are lots of double standards when it comes to the kids. Ais almost 10 and is able to do so many things that B who is turning 12 can't. Sometimes the difference is due to gender and other times it's because B is special needs.

Months ago I had asked the hubby if he thought we could send B  to Girl Scout sleep away camp. It's a 15 minute drive from our house at a camp both she and I have already stayed at and are familiar with. The verdict was an emphatic NO! Part of the decision is based on us not trusting others with her due to her disabilities and part of it is us not trusting her. She just doesn't always have the ability to use good judgement and make good decisions. Sure it's a short drive but if we can't go a week without some issue at homethen what should we expect during a week of her being with people who arent' used to her. I almost think because of the change of scene and people she would be better but it's a risk we just can't take.  

Even though I basically agree with James about her not going I was still upset today when James informed me that my son would be going to a sleep away camp that we have never been to nor heard of that is over a 2 hour drive from our house. Sure Adrian is more responsible but he's younger and going to be farther away the B  would. I know that those two facts won't suddenly make B  able to go but it still is a frustration that he can go without much of a discussion or concern while she can't even go to a theme park for a day with a friend without a good deal of stress and debate.

It makes me realize as they grow how much more these differences will be apparent to them. I worry about having to explain even more thoroughly to Adrian why B  can't do things and I worry even more about how I will explain it to B. I worry if  who is 10 years younger than B will one day surpass B in what she is able to do and how I will explain that. It's stressful and disheartening and makes me want to cry. And there is nothing I can do about it but hope B gets to a point where she can do these things herself. In the meantime I have to find ways to down play what Adrian can do to B and up sell what she can do to herself. I know things can't always be fair but why does it always have to be so hard?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

How does my garden grow?

I hate to brag but for not being a gardener and having close to no idea of what I am doing my garden isn't doing too bad.

Here is how it started out:

This is my raised garden box. Bear in mind I had/have no idea of what I am doing so I  just tried to follow the tags that came with the plants. The first row on the left is cucumbers, the second row is green peppers, and the third is lettuce. The entire box on the right is cabbage.

 Here are my strawberry plants. I bought 4 hanging plants and finally planted the strawberry kit I bought. Funny thing about the kit though was I couldn't tell which part of the plants were the roots and which was the stems so I may have planted them upside down. Since nothing has grown in months from the kit I assume I planted it wrong.
 Here are my tomatoes. I am so excited about these. Aren't they pretty?
 And my son wanted grapes so we tried these out too.

 Here is a few weeks later:

Looking good huh?

I have a few small tomatoes growing. 
There are some blossoms on my cucumber plants too!
And look!!! A tiny little strawberry!!!

I've also had a few garden problems:

Mystery hole. I assume something is digging for worms or bugs.

Holes in the cabbage.
Strawberries are being eaten.
 I had weird black rotting spots on my tomatoes. I believe this is blossom rot so I have to add calcium to the soil (if my google searches are correct.)

So far so good...
Sure I haven't gotten a single tomato (thanks to the blossom rot) and most strawberries are tossed out because something else has eaten them before I get a chance to pick them but I do have a promising cucumber sprouting and I realize that I am learning so I am trying to be patient with myself and my plants.

So since this willbe an ongoing learning experience any advice, tips and feedback is always welcome because after all, I'm just starting out and I am learning as I go.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Not so bad after all...

Well Mothers Day came and went and it turns out most of my worries were for nothing (see post I'm scared of Mothers Day ).

Early Sunday morning I opened some small and goofy gifts from the kids, like ear buds for my ipod, a foot scrubber that suctions to the tub and frying pans. I also got another Pandora charm (I look forward to these every holiday. I love them!)

We then went to breakfast with my abuella and the family and I got my favorite... IHOP's Garden Crepes. They are so yummy! Next up was a drive out to Ellenton for my annual Coach purse. I got two beautiful bags and then we just walked around shopping. It wasn't anything fancy but it was nice, the kids were decently behaved and  we went into every store I wanted. Even the ones they found completely boring (I love shoes and cooking stores). When we got back to Tampa we went to Grill Smith for dinner because I really wanted to try a new place. The day was all about me. (Ok, and a little about the family.)

Mothers Day is my favorite holiday. It's silly but it's about the most important job I have and I work really hard at it and it's nice to be appreciated for it. And the fact that James and the kids really went out of his way to make the day nice meant more then the actual day itself. But there was one small damper...

My son didn't even call me. Ok, I know I'm the step mom and because of that I deal with never having all my kids on Mothers Day and that alone bothers me. But to have him not even call or text hurt a bit. Ok, it hurt a lot. I don't think of A as a step child. He's my son but for him not even to call today... a day later?!?!? Well, it sucks. I realize the kid is only 9 but still. And if he forgot about me then his other mother could have reminded him to at least text or email me. I tell him to call his step dad on fathers day. Anyway, I'll get over it.

But at least the family I had around me made my day as amazing as they could. D said "Happy Mothers Day" probably 100 times and it was super cute. Then when I tucked her in bed she asked what we would do tomorrow and I asked what she wanted to do. She said "I want Mothers Day again." Me too honey, me too.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I'm scared of Mothers Day

It's late and I'm up posting on here because I am worried about Mothers Day tomorrow. It will start off with eating breakfast with my grandmother and dad and some relatives who are very close to other relatives that I hate. After breakfast we will take a road trip.  My husband started this tradition where every Mothers Day he takes me and the family to some shopping center that is usually an hour away or more and we window shop, pick me out a designer bag (the only one I get for the year) and then have lunch at what we hope is some place new before driving a hour home.

Normally I'm excited for this but this year I'm just not up for much. For starters I won't have my son. I realize being the step mom I don't have rights on Mothers Day but it still upsets the hell out of me. Also the idea of waking up at the ass crack of dawn to eat in a crowded restaurant on one of the most crowded days and try to make nice with people all the while not gagging or making rude comments when some one I hates name is brought up makes me cringe. Then with an hour drive with a toddler who is not the best at road trips, a shopping adventure with my oldest who is bound to do something to upset me or her father and an inevitable tantrum from the toddler I am worried.

Mothers Day was once my favorite holiday  but I am looking towards this one with fear. B  just keeps doing things she shouldn't do and getting into trouble and D  is so willful that if she doesn't get her way you can never tell what her reaction will be. The hubster wants tomorrow to be good. Hell, no one wants tomorrow to be good more then me so I just hope this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach that tomorrow will be terrible and end in tears is wrong.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I don't want Sympathy. What I need is Empathy.

Being bipolar is hard enough, add to the the actual sickness the stigma that comes with being mentally ill and it's sometimes unbearable. But I deal. I have to. But when you throw into my mix a disabled child some days I just can't take it. Like today where I can't stop crying because I feel like a giant failure since my daughter keeps doing the same things wrong over and over. Am I just not able to help her stop doing these things because I am a shitty parent or is this normal? Then when my frustration leads to me yelling and often (like today) crying I can't help but feel totally alone and like this giant failure.

I would give anything to find just one person on this earth who knows what I am going through. I know they are out there. Maybe they don't want or need support but I do. I just need to know that I'm not alone and that the way I feel is normal and ok.

I am so overwhelmed. I get so angry and frustrated, not just with B but also with myself. I have tried to find other moms out there but instead of finding a kindred spirit I have found competition. Like "mom petition" isn't hard enough comparing your honor roll student to a neighbors violin prodigy, but when it comes to parents of special needs all I have found is competitiveness. I don't care who has it harder. I realize your child stopped speaking at 4 but that doesn't mean I don't have problems when mine stutters and mispronouncing things or can't follow more then 2 step directions.  Of course I know it could be worse but does that mean that I don't deserve support? Because she can walk, talk and play I am grateful but don't assume I have it easy! Why can't you just be there for me and I be there for you? Why does one of us have to have deal with more. Isn't it enough that we are dealing with what we deal with?

Or I find advice from people with no clue (despit theier good intention) about what it's like to have to treat your 12 year old the same way you treat your 3 year old. Gee, you think I should take her to a specialist? What a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? Oh wait... I DID! And we continue to go to doctors and therapists and I spend way to much time looking for programs and groups to help and reading books and websites that may offer some insight that I haven't already heard one hundred times before.

If I sound pissed it's because I am. I get so frustrated that it gets me down, like really down. So throw my troubles with depression taht I can't control along with my frustration with feeling like I am failing my child into a pot, mix it up and here is me... a hot mess of confusion, sadness, insecurity and anger.

So what I want isn't a lot to ask for. I want empathy from someone who knows. I don't want sympathy because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me since I do know that in many ways I am blessed. I don't want people with zero clue about what I go through to tell me what to do because believe me, I've tried it all. I just want someone to say they understand me. I want them to say they get what I'm going through and if by some chance I can find a person who can do all of that and tell me that I'm not a giant screw up for feeling like this then it'd be my equivalent of a pot of gold. Let's just hope I don't have to get to the end of the rainbow to find it.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Bin Laden is Dead and I was the last to know.

Osama Bin Laden was finally killed late Sunday night and I may have been the last to know.

I don't generally watch the news. It's not that I don't want to be informed but it's usually so upsetting. This person killed this one, this mom crying for the safe return of her child, this cop shot during a routine traffic stop, etc. So since you have to take the good with the bad I don't watch the news. I prefer to get my news online where I can skim through and read what I want. This saves me a lot on the cost of tissues. (Yes, I am one of those that cry at the news. Don't judge me.)

So since my internet has been going through what I refer to as "megapause" (mood swings, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, random shutting down and being hypersensitive) I haven't been on much so the news from Sunday totally slipped past me until Monday at 3pm!!!

So since I was living under a rock for a day I had to catch up and finally thanks to continuous coverage on CNN, MSN and some other news sites I am up to snuff.

Initially when I heard the news I was so happy and relieved but then I began to think about the back lash. This radical ass is going to be propelled beyond martyr status. My thoughts soon turned to scenarios of retaliation. Monuments and symbols of the USA are usually the targets that Al Quida have gone for in the past but now that the Government has raised our threat level because of Bin Laden being taken down what if they go for smaller yet just as impactful targets... like schools? I told my husband that I don't know if I would be willing to go out to populated events and places for Memorial Day. And what about Independence Day? Or any day really?

Sure we cut off the head of Al Quida but another one is bound to sprout up preaching the tyrannical and racist propaganda of his predecessor. And when he cries for vengeance in the name of their "hero" and for their cause who's to say that the call won't be answered by even more terrorists.

I know that a terrorists intent is to strike terror into the hearts of people and to be scared is essentially letting them win... but I can't help it. I am scared. It just amazes me that there are people in the who wouldn't want peace. The idea of these war mongers who want to fight and kill is insane. I just don't understand it.

But if there is one thing I am certain of it's this... I may be scared, millions of people may be scared, but we are still brave. Bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's doing what must be done in spite of that fear. And once again the USA and those God Blessed seals showed bravery and courage and took down Bin Laden and did what they could to protect this great nation.

So whatever is to come will come but in the mean time Osama Bin Laden is dead and I hope that this brings at least a little peace to his many victims over the years.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

What would you do?

I pose the question because my phone was sitting in my crotch and I farted and it rang immediately (maybe the poor droid was actually crying for help). Anyway, I picked it up without thinking and was like "Ewwww!" So I spat "I'll call you back" to my friend and went and sprayed my phone with lysol.

When I told her why I had to hang up she laughed and asked why I even picked up and I said I just didn't even think about it until it was too late. So she asked well if I had thought about it and saw it was her what would I have done. I said probably call her later. She said what if it was really important and I told her it was really important that I don't sniff the contents of my butt.

So... as gross as this whole thing may be... I am posing the question to you all and even posted it on facebook. Would you talk on your phone after having just farted on it?