I think I am suffering from some sort of separation anxiety or something like that.
It started last year when my best friend went back to work because she was going through a divorce. Then the same thing happened to another friend and she moved 45 minutes away and started working and dating. Then another friend moved far as hell away. Then when school started some friends put their kids in school or preschool and found "kid free" ways to busy themselves. Now several of my friends including one of my best friends is going back to school and wanting to start a career of some kind. Then there is the handful of other friends that instead of sending kids off to school they are having another baby. A 4 year difference in age makes play dates a bit hard and when you have a baby you generally want to hang around others with babies.
Let me be selfish here. I feel abandoned and angry. I don't "work" outside the home. I just don't want to at this point in my life. I have 3 kids and am married so partying on the weekends isn't an option. I don't want to go back to school, I didn't really like it the first time and I don't know what I want to be other then my current idea of becoming a yoga instructor. During the week I have a toddler in tow almost all the time so I can't always go for a mani/pedi or other non kid friendly activity. I do understand a parent who doesn't have to pick up their kids until school let's out not wanting to hang out with me at Chuck E Cheese and listen to screaming kids when they don't have too. And I can't take my kids to the Baby Story Time at the library. She's almost reading!
I'm feeling lonely and like everyone is leaving. And as people life circumstances change (divorce, work, school, etc) people tend to find others they have more in common with and can see more easily. Maybe I'm needy. Ok... no maybes about it. I'm needy.
I hate change. I wish things would stay the same. Sure most of the changes are friends trying to improve their situations but... DAMN IT!!! I miss people.
I miss when I had a friend that lived close by with a kid almost the same age. We spent almost every day together and would talk on the phone when we weren't around one another. I feel like every time anything changes it gets harder to keep in touch. I'll call but when I don't get a call back I will often just let it go until they call me. Next thing you know a month has passed and I haven't spoken to the person. And it's not their fault. They have their own lives to deal with and I can't always talk when they call and if I forget to call back it's another month before we connect.
Not to mention everyone wanting to go to school and get jobs... it makes me feel ambitionless. I like not working! I'm content doing a few freelance type jobs here and there. I love being home with the kids. Sure, it's a lot of work (some days more then others) but I love it. Its been a long time since I had a job that I love. It's so nice to wake up not wanting your boss to give you a reason to quit (and with that no longer being an option anyway this works great). But at the same time I feel guilty I have no desire to further my education or work.
Every time a friend says they are fighting with their husband, contemplating going to work or has a kid starting school I get a little upset. I want to be happy when someone announces they are moving to an amazing house or starting school but I'm not really. I'm happy they are happy but I'm sad for myself. (Again, I'm being selfish and I don't care!)
Maybe if I do what our kids do, kick and scream and latch on to them so they can't leave then they will continue to give me attention and won't go. Worth a try right?
