Friday, August 13, 2010

I need a friend like me.

When I was in high school I had a good amount of friends. But most of my best friends have been guys. Guys I understand. Guys are tough. They don't need hugs, or cry or create drama. They don't get mad if you don't call. They don't take hours getting ready to go out. With the guys I could sit and laugh at the girls who tried too hard. Girls were high maintenance. Girls were catty, and tried to steal your boyfriends. Girls were crappy friends.

Then as I moved into adulthood my guy friends and I parted ways. This was mostly because once their girlfriends got comfy with them they would put their foot down about them hanging out with another chick. For the most part I never truly bothered to build new friendships. But somewhere along the way I did pick up a friend here or there. But a lot of the time they would be "party girls" and as a mom partying just wasn't on my agenda. Sure a night out was nice but I just don't have the desire to do the multiple late nights a week.

I don't know if my standards for a friend are too high but somehow people just didn't measure up. So at some point I stopped trying to have friends. I didn't become a shut in but I just didn't care really. Friends seemed like too much work. But once I became a SAHM I realized that friends weren't just a luxury, they were a necessity.

I was lonely. I missed talking to adults. I missed talking to anyone. Sure when I worked I turned down every invite to go to happy hour but now I missed being invited out period. So I decided to make myself available. I started making an effort to find friends. I really wanted mommy friends. But it was not easy. It was like jumping into the dating scene and into bed with with someone after being celibate for years. You worry you may not know what your doing or maybe things have changed since your last romp. (See a similar post here.)

By the time Devan was 4 months old I was actually going out to playdates and I started finding friends. I can now say I have lots of friends. I have very close friends and some who are just acquaintances. I also have friends I would consider my best friends... IF THEY DIDN'T SUCK.

Yes, that's right. I said it. My best friends suck. Why can't I find a friend like me?
I'm honest, trustworthy, reliable, try to make people laugh, am supportive, and considerate. I am not perfect. I have mood swings and can be annoying. I know I am not perfect (manic depression, bipolar, ocd) but I try to be a great friend. And I would give or do anything for my friends.

I need a friend like me.

My very best friend is a liar, and is flaky as hell but she can at least keep a secret but honestly just being in my life she frequently makes it worse just as often as she does better with her outrageous drama. And that is my BEST friend! Then there are the ones who are users or gossip or cause and create drama. 

You are probably wondering why I am friends with these people. Believe me, it is a question I have asked myself several times. I guess because when they have their good days those days are great. But when they have their bad days... well it's enough to make me cry, literally. Like a good day could be bringing me milk and a casserole when I am sick, but a bad day is literally dropping their kids off with me for hours (when they said it would be 15 minutes) and going off to do whatever causing me to ruin my own plans.

So with such high highs, and low lows, how do you decide if your friends are worth keeping? I can't do it! I have tried and always decide to stick it out. When I do call them on the crap they apologize, do better for a while then go right back to the same crap!

Am I an idiot? (Ok, don't answer that.) I really don't know what to do. I guess until I finally figure it out I will continue to make excuses for them, put up with them and be the type of friend to them that I wish they were to me.

By the way... if anyone wants to be my new friend I am accepting applications. See criteria noted above.


  1. Thanks Echo. I was just having a tantrum when i wrote this. I know I sounded like an ungrateful superbitch so to you and all my friends who this doesn't apply to I appologize. It's really about a specific situation and for the sake of not giving away the party in question I kind of made general statement I didn't really mean. So if anyone took this persoanlly please forgive me.

  2. No, you didn't sound that way at all! It sounded like you were going through stuff, and needing to vent without the ability to throw it all out there. It just makes me :( when my friends are in situations like that, and are unhappy.

    Let me know if you need anything, even just someone to "grrrr argh!" at ;)

  3. I could have written this. My HS friends were mostly guys (and mostly my bandmates - I was a drummer in a thrash metal band). When we parted ways, my only close friends after that were my boyfriends (I'm married to the second one). I had a really cool, nice, and very crappy friend for a while (she's been hours late for, or cancelled at last minute, several get-togethers, fallen asleep when my daughter and I were over, left me with her kid for hours...). I realised I needed to really try hard to find some friends (and found MLM). I deal with depression and ADD, which got out-of-control after I became a mom; I'm still not right, but I'm getting better. As for the new friends, I'm happy to say I did find some that I can really curse around (that took longer than one would think!) and I'm learning how to be a friend as well as a social...normal person (my last lesson learned - don't pick your teeth when you expect to be shaking hands with people because you will get the nas-ti-est looks after you explain to them why you have to wipe your hand before shaking theirs), but I do have a hard time in the club setting and anywhere else where you have to shout at the people you're trying to get to know. I would send you my application, but we're already friends, and you can send me a message anytime about anything.