Thursday, September 29, 2011

Who taught me to be a mother?

I'll make this short because I have meatballs in the oven and don't want them to burn (and not that is not some "dirty sex code" though it sounds like it could be).

Basically my mom came over for the day today. I've had a bad couple days but am doing my best to make it through this week but this event poses a potential risk to my "can do attitude". This is only an event because she almost never does visit. She doesn't live far. Only about 45 minutes away and it's not that she's working right now. She just doesn't make it this way often for whatever reasons.

I look at my moms visits with cautious optimism. I always hope we'll spend hours laughing and giggling and sharing stories like those moms on TV but since we never did that when I was younger I shouldn't expect it now. Don't get me wrong... I love my mom. I love her a lot but I know exactly what a visit with her entails.

I am sure during the visit all of my shortcoming as a parent, wife and person in general will be addressed in a some way. All the things I do wrong will be pointed out, sometimes repeatedly and in different ways. I will be the victim of scrutiny and for what? Nothing really. I just can't bring myself to change or seek the approval of a person who even if I changed the very fiber of my being and became perfect just to please would find a flaw in my perfection.

Lucky for me I'm no where near perfect. And though  insults (however sly and sneakily injected) do hurt I ultimately care little for what anyone thinks of me. I know my moms flaws. I know every one of them and was subjected to them daily for years and though now I only get small doses of them I still see them on occasion, however I don't feel the need to point them out. Why should I?

I don't feel better by making anyone feel bad even if it's done on accident. And I'm sure somewhere deep down she looks at her comments and criticisms as "tough love" or as attempts to "help improve me".  I know that on some psychological level it's just a way for her to receive some sort of validation or to overcome some trauma of long ago.

But I do get a mild dose of amusement when my mom asks repeatedly, "Who taught you to be a mother?!?" and I get to reply "No one".

1 comment:

  1. Aw sweetie. I'm so sorry that happens!! For what its worth, I think you do an amazing job with your kiddos.