Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I am not okay. I am faking it as best I can!

I can't sleep. I can't get out of this mood.
I had something happen to my family and I don't feel as though it is my place to throw it out where anyone can read about it but a huge issue isn't just the problem, it is my grandmothers reaction to what happened.
My grandmother has always been my idol. The person I most looked up to and wanted to be like. But when this thing happened she did not have the reaction I would have thought appropriate even though her response was the one I expected.
She didn't want to take sides. But she has defended the person and supported and made excuses for the person and that is taking sides.
I know it is hard to understand all this without me going into details as to exactly what happened but trust me when I say that she is backing a criminal.
The issue now is how broken I am. It kills me to lose respect for someone I regarded so highly. I still love her and that can't change because I know she thinks she is doing what's best. But she is in her 70s and I can no longer say she is the only person who has never disappointed me.
I try not to show her how hurt I am but she has to know even if she doesn't mention it. This whole thing has broken something in me that may never get fixed and the salt in the wound is my pain with her. I am faking it for her because... well I guess I don't want to hurt her in spite of the hurt she has caused me.
I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could let go or forgive or even better... forget. I can't. So in case anyone is wondering I am not ok. I am just faking it as best I can.

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