Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ignorance was Bliss.

You know what is awesome? Finding out what someone truly thinks of you. But that is only if they like you.

I got a taste of what someone I cared about thought of me yesterday and let me just say... OUCH! Here I was thinking I had a great relationship with someone and then I get smacked in the face with their true feelings. It all started over a misunderstanding for the most part but once that damn was cracked watch out for the flood of insults. Color me surprised.

I generally think the best of people and make excuses for people but I don't think there is a way to excuse this. I have been stabbed in the back but this was a knife to the heart. Again with the OUCH! What was really amazing was the fact that from the things they said I can tell this was not a spur of the moment emotional tidal wave but more of an ever present current of animosity that swept away their censor and allowed these things to be said.

I used to be a fighter. The kind of gal that never backed down from a confrontation but that's just not me anymore. I prefer to think of myself as mature rather then passive but the fact of the matter is most fights just aren't worth it.

I think this is the case here. Why am I going to fight to prove I am not some horrible person to someone who obviously thinks I am? If this person can't see value in me I can't force them to. It would be a pointless fight with the best case outcome being some fake comments for pacification's sake. Yet in the back of my mind I will always be wondering what they are thinking of me this time. It's not worth it to me. I don't have the mental or emotional capacity for that kind of constant worry.

So I won't fight. I won't argue. But don't think that I will forget even if I decide to forgive. Words cut and those that come from people you love can cut deep and even if the wound mends, the scar will be here to remind you always.

It makes me wonder, if you could know the honest truth of what people thought about you would you want to know? I used to think I would but now... Ignorance is Bliss and I want to be blissful again.

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