Being bipolar is hard enough, add to the the actual sickness the stigma that comes with being mentally ill and it's sometimes unbearable. But I deal. I have to. But when you throw into my mix a disabled child some days I just can't take it. Like today where I can't stop crying because I feel like a giant failure since my daughter keeps doing the same things wrong over and over. Am I just not able to help her stop doing these things because I am a shitty parent or is this normal? Then when my frustration leads to me yelling and often (like today) crying I can't help but feel totally alone and like this giant failure.
I would give anything to find just one person on this earth who knows what I am going through. I know they are out there. Maybe they don't want or need support but I do. I just need to know that I'm not alone and that the way I feel is normal and ok.
I am so overwhelmed. I get so angry and frustrated, not just with B but also with myself. I have tried to find other moms out there but instead of finding a kindred spirit I have found competition. Like "mom petition" isn't hard enough comparing your honor roll student to a neighbors violin prodigy, but when it comes to parents of special needs all I have found is competitiveness. I don't care who has it harder. I realize your child stopped speaking at 4 but that doesn't mean I don't have problems when mine stutters and mispronouncing things or can't follow more then 2 step directions. Of course I know it could be worse but does that mean that I don't deserve support? Because she can walk, talk and play I am grateful but don't assume I have it easy! Why can't you just be there for me and I be there for you? Why does one of us have to have deal with more. Isn't it enough that we are dealing with what we deal with?
Or I find advice from people with no clue (despit theier good intention) about what it's like to have to treat your 12 year old the same way you treat your 3 year old. Gee, you think I should take her to a specialist? What a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? Oh wait... I DID! And we continue to go to doctors and therapists and I spend way to much time looking for programs and groups to help and reading books and websites that may offer some insight that I haven't already heard one hundred times before.
If I sound pissed it's because I am. I get so frustrated that it gets me down, like really down. So throw my troubles with depression taht I can't control along with my frustration with feeling like I am failing my child into a pot, mix it up and here is me... a hot mess of confusion, sadness, insecurity and anger.
So what I want isn't a lot to ask for. I want empathy from someone who knows. I don't want sympathy because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me since I do know that in many ways I am blessed. I don't want people with zero clue about what I go through to tell me what to do because believe me, I've tried it all. I just want someone to say they understand me. I want them to say they get what I'm going through and if by some chance I can find a person who can do all of that and tell me that I'm not a giant screw up for feeling like this then it'd be my equivalent of a pot of gold. Let's just hope I don't have to get to the end of the rainbow to find it.